Groucho Marx

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

Henny Youngman

"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."

Erma Bombeck

"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."

Fred Allen

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

Gilda Radner

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."

Bob Hope

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

Charles M. Schulz

"I love mankind; it's people I can't stand."

Alfred Hitchcock

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."

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